My mom and I were best friends; best friends that fought and handled our emotions very differently but still…best friends. I will never forget the day she died. The phone call, the rush home, not making it in time, and the haze of the following weeks, and months. Death is so sudden, one minute she was here on this earthly plane with me and the next she wasn’t. She was gone and I was left to piece together a world without her. A world I still can’t figure out.
In trying to figure out this new reality, I’ve really relied on music. Music can transport us. It allows us to access emotions that we can’t find words to accurately express. I think that’s why it’s been so helpful for me on my grief journey, because most of the time there are no words to describe how I feel about my mother’s passing. When a song touches me, it is so cathartic to know that for those 3 minutes I can feel whatever I need to feel, whatever comes up. Grief can be so overwhelming, sometimes I need it to have a container to fit into so I can move through the day.
A lot of songs make me emotional, and represent different feelings and moments throughout my grief journey. I have found songs that represent the immense sadness I feel when I think about never talking or touching my Mom again, the anger and abandonment I’ve felt since her passing, the relief of being on my own and the guilt that comes after, questions around my spirituality and belief system, and the pain of what will never be. One song that represents an important part of my grief journey is I Look In People’s Windows by Taylor Swift. I won’t post the entire song, just a snippet below.
“A feather taken by the wind blowing
I’m afflicted by the not knowing so
I look in people’s windows
Transfixed by rose golden glows
They have their friends over to drink nice wine
I look in people’s windows
In case you’re at their table
What if your eyes looked up and met mine
One more time”
For me, this song represents the desperation I feel to continue my relationship with my Mom now that she is gone. I look for signs of her, everywhere. I sat down and made a list of what she could possibly come back as, or the signs she could send. I’ve seen a medium to try to know what to look for, and what I can do to make sure it continues. However, I still feel like I don’t know what I’m looking for. The lyrics represent a constant need to search for signs that I can connect to my Mom and our relationship, and the turmoil of comparison that comes with seeing other people with their mothers. I can’t help but feel this deep longing for what others have and I look at their lives through rose colored glasses. One day I hope that I will be able to look at others’ relationships and feel tenderness, but it’s hard when I am still desperately searching for my Mom. The last line represents the joy and relief I experience when I do find her again. That one more moment that I get with her when that happens is how I know our relationship isn’t over. It just looks different.
My Mom is the miniature shoe at the thrift store, the law & order theme song, a feather on the ground, a hummingbird outside my window, and the smell by my bed in the morning. She is also in my laugh, my mind, my mannerisms, my habits (good & bad). These little moments of connection remind me that if I want her to show up or I need her, she will be there. Through the desperation it can be hard to remember that wherever I look, she’s there.
Written by: Katie Hancock
Aug. 2024