I recently started diving deeper into the practice of writing poetry by joining a poetry meetup group, then forming my own women’s poetry group. A friend joined a challenge to write a poem a day for a month, based on a word prompt in the theme of hope. Every time she shared one of those prompts with me, my immediate reaction was anything but hope. So I decided to write about it, and this poem, “Lifeline,” was born. I read it to my Heartlight Institute support group, and they strongly resonated with it and suggested I publish it for our fellow grievers. Thank you, HeartLight, for giving me a venue to do just that. Writing about my grief always gives me a sense of relief, and I want to share it with others so they know they’re not the only ones struggling.

A couple weeks ago, as I was exercising at my local rec center, I was listening to music on my ear pods when a song by Josh Groban, entitled “You Raise Me Up (to more than I can be),” started playing. This was one of Marilyn’s favorite artists and songs and it was the last song we played at her memorial service. I hadn’t heard it much since she died, probably intentionally because of the memories, so I didn’t know whether to fast forward or skip the song entirely. I decided that I needed and wanted to hear the song after all this time.

My wife Mary and I celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary on September 12, 2020. On the morning of November 6, 2020 I went for my daily walk. When I returned from my walk, I found Mary lying dead on the bathroom floor. I was devastated and at a complete loss of what to do. Not only was she my wife but also my business partner. So I lost my wife, partner and also our livelihood…

The pain of loss to suicide is unlike any other grief. All loss is painful, and suicide adds layers that survivors must navigate. With the help of mental health professionals, fellow grievers, and a close network of friends, I have started my journey of grief recovery. Yes, this journey is about me. Not my late husband, but me.