Grief during adolescence somehow becomes an adult of its own. Experiencing loss at a young age has had a profound impact on who I have become today. As a teenager, you are just trying to discover who you are, and after experiencing loss I never thought I would grow to be anything more than mournful. My Daddio died in May 2014. I had been well aware that his body was riddled with cancer, he was frail. He had to have weighed less than me, at this time a small 17 year-old girl.He was very weak, eating from a feeding tube, and only half of a jaw from surgery. Yet somehow, my adolescent brain, had convinced myself he was going to beat this, he would come out the other side. Like many children, I idolized my dad. He was my hero.
In my eyes, he was the strongest, bravest, and could save me from anything. How could cancer take my dad? Impossible.
I had sat through many hours of chemotherapy sitting next to the nurses. I had watched him undergo radiation, getting locked into the small space. He was fighting it, and in my mind, there was no world that he didn’t win the battle. Even in the days leading to my loss, where he completely lost mobility, had minimal speech, and the minutes he was awake were few and far between– I was convinced he would be fine. So, when the time came, I was in shock, in horror. This couldn’t be real life, it felt out of body like what I was witnessing wasn’t real. I hadn’t prepared myself. While the adults in the room may have known this was inevitable, I was convinced it was impossible.
Reflecting as an adult, it is easy to think that I should have known, the signs where there– right in front of me. But I allow myself grace as I think about how young I was. Although, I have spent many years with guilt, shame, and regret. I was a rebelling teen, processing emotions that I didn’t understand, and maybe at some level avoiding the diagnosis. I spent so many hours, days, years wishing I would have acted differently (control my raging teenage hormones), spent more time with my dad instead of my high school friends, and told him how much I love, admire, and appreciate him. There are still flashes of these emotions, but time has allowed me to forgive myself.
Equally as painful as the past was thinking about the future of a 17 year old girl who wouldn’t have her dad at many of the monumental moments in life- high school and college graduation, finding my first job, falling in love, my wedding, birthdays, holidays, a never ending list. And as those events became a reality, I felt the pain so deeply. These are the moments that should bring the most joy yet they come with an equal amount of sadness and anger. As I got older, I learned how to process these feelings much better than I did as a teenager.
At this young age, I didn’t know how to seek help or accept the help my family and friends were offering. I was a stubborn teenager who thought I could get through it alone even while being surrounded by love and support. I was quick to fill my life with an abundance of things to do, so I didn’t have to accept the fact that my daddy was gone. I probably didn’t accept it for years, just in perpetual denial. I have come so far from these dark days and I am so thankful to have a supportive family that loves and accepts me for who I am and the impact that grief has made on me and my life. Reading The Heartlight Highlight has inspired me to share this story and consider seeking the help and support that a younger version of me really needed.
As I am coming up on the 10 year remembrance day, I am proud of who I have become and I know my dad would be too.
Love, Ali
Written by: Ali Keller