When to Begin?
First step alone, letting go, embracing the unknown: each action requiring conscious effort when grief, sadness or mourning create the texture of your life for such a long time. So often a day without persistent sadness seems to be followed by two or more days with pain and hold no moments of contentment or relief. A friend tells you after six months that you seem to be doing well and feeling better. You respond that you are not well, not doing better, but you are different. Such prevalent beliefs that “time heals all” or “you will get over this” find their way into conversations with friends but neither apply to the profound loss of a partner or spouse. Time alone will not heal the pain nor will you ever “get over” the loss. Such perceptions may even result in anger or resentment and impede a healing process. How does a person know when they are either already creating a new life or are wanting to do so?
Starting again, redefining, integrating, transitioning, choosing to do any/all of these things. Loss may create emotional and psychological paralysis, loss of life inertia and an absence of life meaning or purpose. There is no standard to measure how long such a condition may last and there is no universal formula for changing it. Exercise, diet, rest, social interactions, group and/or individual support, self-help readings or religious underpinnings may all offer pieces of a pathway to moving forward in life. Each also, however, represent a choice – to cope, to heal, to find new meaning and purpose. Without such a choice being made, movement is not possible. Often an established routine of life obstacles may arise that make this choice difficult and require both strength and courage to overcome. Friends or relatives who may desire or encourage a quick return to a personality they remember from before the loss sometimes intentionally delay the healing process itself.
How do you decide it is time to let go, move forward, begin again? How do you know if you hare an active member of the human race or a passive observer of a life as you once experienced it? What is the circumstance of event that shakes your thinking and lets you know it is time to get on with your life? Who can challenge your choice to float through life or disengage so completely? But now you feel ready, you are motivated, you are energized. Perhaps a friend has pushed you or invited you to move forward and to rejoin the experiences of life. Perhaps an event of nature or a remembrance of relationship has called your spirit to return. Many things may exist that help create movement in life and a new beginning. Starting over without the one who has been your source of comfort, a purpose and meaning and of soul reflection and honesty can seem a daunting task. A task that lends itself to avoidance with sound reasoning and understandable justification – too hard, too old, no reason to restart, no desire, etc.. However difficult, if left unattended, this task becomes more difficult to accomplish and may lead to surrender. For most, an instance moment in time offers a window to change and a decision is made and choices are considered and change begins.
Written by: Les McCarroll
Feb 2025