Hi friends……………………
We are now friends, fyi. We’re in a club that no one wants to be part of. But I’m glad to call you a friend, for what it’s worth. Thanks for being here (even though neither of us want to be). Imagine I’m giving you a hug right now… because I know I need one, and can only imagine that you do too.
I’m so scattered brained. Have you experienced that?
I can’t seem to keep anything straight.
I just feel… lost, broken, overwhelmed. Caught between feeling like I can human, and like I’m an alien – a shell of a person, floating through the day to day, and by the end of the day can barely remember what I even did as I try to get ready for bed and mentally prepare to do it all again tomorrow. (Did I brush my teeth tonight? I can’t remember…)
I have past the death anniversaries of many in the last 8 months alone (and I’m not sure I like that term for it… feels celebratory when I feel empty, hollow, heavy… and just so very sad. I miss each of them… doesn’t seem to matter how much time has passed). And I just don’t know how to hold it all sometimes. It feels like every month I am trying to honor someone else that I love, hold space for my grief, and try to meet the daily life demands that weigh on us all. But honestly, I sometimes don’t even know where my grief for one person ends and begins for the next. It’s all a big, jumbled mess inside sometimes.
You know, it’s amazing to me how in the same breath that I say “I can’t hold all of this anymore” I also seem to move forward. Heel, toe, heel, toe… I can’t do it anymore, and somehow I am doing it. It’s weird.
I guess I’m resilient? Strong?
I don’t think I like when people call me that… Strong… I didn’t ask for this “strength”. I don’t feel strong. I’m not lifting a bunch of weights at the gym to compete in a strength competition. Though I wonder if I’d win first prize as “Best Griever” if that were an Olympic category…
What would it even take to be a “best” griever?
The most anxious? Most shut down? Most able to compartmentalize? Most able to cry? Most able to act happy when socially appropriate? Most able to do self-care?
I’d definitely win most scatter-brained, if grief were an Olympic sport.
I can’t seem to remember anything. I have to write it all down, but then heaven forbid I lose that piece of paper, or journal, or sticky note, or empty envelope, or whatever I used to scribble something down on. I flag and star emails in hopes I won’t forget to follow up on something, but sure enough something slips through the cracks. I’m sure there are many who are annoyed with me at this point – losing patience with me. I’m barely patient with myself right now. How can I be so forgetful?
Oh yeah… because I’m grieving… all the time…
My whole body is trying to adapt to all of these changes that come with each loss. And so of course my brain is losing track of things, I’m just trying to survive most days and try to hope that the next day will be kinder.
Do you ever feel like this?
If you came here looking for validation, I guess I did too. Maybe we can both agree that this time is a brain foggy, jumbled up, overwhelming period. I know it will change, it always has as each loss has happened. But right now I seem to be feeling all of it. And it feels heavy.
I feel like I ask forgiveness from others a lot.
Still, seems like patience from others is wearing thin. Or maybe it’s just my own patience that is running out for myself…
I hope I’ll get my act together soon… But I’m not sure when my head and my heart will be operating in a way that feels somehow resembling of who I used to be and the capacity I used to have.
There’s a me before, and a me after, that’s for sure. A mark on the calendar of when I myself changed, and the me from before that I won’t be again.
I wasn’t prepared for that, to be honest.
I know we talk about the “stage” of Acceptance – accepting that they are dead, and gone but not forgotten. However I think there is a space in acceptance for Acceptance of Self that doesn’t get much attention. We have to accept the new us.
Hmm. Now there’s something to think about more.
I didn’t know you before, but I have a feeling I like the now you.
I knew the me before, and I’m still getting to know the now me.
Thanks for moving along this with me.
What thoughts have come up for you as I’ve been sharing? I’d love to hear.
I look forward to sharing this space with you. If we have to be in it, I’m glad we’re in it together.
Written by: Your Friend
Sept. 2024