Hello, my name is John Dietrich and I have been associated with HeartLight for approximately two years. I learned of HeartLight after my wife of 53 years died in July of 2022. I enrolled in a virtual support group and then in the “Facing the Mourning” in person group.
After I finished the in person group I asked about volunteering and Jenn and Allison suggested I think about facilitating grief support groups. I took the training session and since then have facilitated “Facing the Mourning” as well as support groups for suicide survivors and for those who have lost a child. I also facilitate a once-a-month virtual support group which has included participants from the US east and west coasts and everywhere in between, as well as Canada.
Facilitating a support group provides me with the chance to witness incredible courage and strength in those who are grieving. When I consider the fact that here are survivors of one of the most, if not the most, tragic event in their lives, coming together with people they probably have never met and sharing their deepest grief, is truly amazing. Whether their loss was one month, one year, or ten years ago, they are showing tremendous courage in opening their hearts to others.
Secondly, the support groups are a place of safety. At the beginning of each session I remind the folks that this is not a place to give advice or interrupt, no “should ofs.” This allows everyone the freedom to express themselves without fear of being criticized or questioned. They can express themselves openly and honestly. This is so unlike life in the outside world, where, after a few months of our loss, we are often advised to get on with our lives.
In the grief sessions each person is encouraged to express and share their feelings and emotions without fear of judgement or criticism. Many times at the beginning of a session I will tell the participants there are very few rules, but one rule is cry, cry, cry as much as you need or want to. They are encouraged to express any emotion they are feeling, whether it be intense sadness, overwhelming grief, anger, or any other feeling they are experiencing. And believe me, they do express their emotions.
Naturally these groups are weighed down with grief and mourning, but that does not mean that there is no laughter. As important as it is to share our grief, it is just as important to share the laughter, especially at this difficult time in their lives. This often happens when we talk about memories of the loved one, and the survivor will relate a story that causes everyone to laugh. As the old saying goes, laughter is good for the soul, particularly during these heavy sessions.
There are times when someone who has been grieving for an extended period of time says something that can be encouraging to those who are recently grieving. This is not given as advice, but as an ability to get somewhat (not entirely) past the mourning and grieving. This offers some hope to those who have more recently lost a loved one, that things may and can get better over time.
Sometimes friendships develop out of these sessions. The attendees share one heavy thing in common, and that is a loss of someone dear to them. This is what bonds them together in the beginning, and out of this can come a long-term relationship. A couple times I have organized a dinner at a restaurant months after our sessions ended, and the folks greet each other and embrace as if they were long-lost friends.
For me, personally, there is a recurrence of feelings of sadness at the loss of my wife Marilyn as I listen to others talk about their own loss. While my wife died over two years ago, she is still a major part of me, and always will be. Listening to others talk about their loss and how it has affected their lives makes my own loss fresh in my mind, which I have found is not an entirely bad thing. Not only the sadness and grief but also the laughter and love my wife and I shared.
I have also learned to be more empathetic with, and compassionate towards, others. This is especially true in our support groups, as I can certainly identify with what they are experiencing. But I find that I have more compassion for anyone who is struggling, not necessarily with the loss of a loved one, but also with less drastic events in their lives.
Before I started facilitating grief support groups I thought that it would weigh too heavy on my mind, heart and soul. Listening to others share their intense grief and sorrow over the loss of a loved one was not something I could see myself doing. Two years out, I am thankful to HeartLight for giving me this opportunity. While I may leave a session with a heavy heart, by the time I am home I am able to tell Marilyn once again how much I love, and loved, her and how grateful I am that she was in my life for so many (not enough) years.
Your fellow griever
John
Written by: John Dietrich
Dec 2024