Hello Fellow Grievers.
My name is John Dietrich and I have been associated with HeartLight since the fall of 2022. My wife of 53 years, Marilyn, died in July of 2022, and HeartLight has been, and continues to be, a support and miracle in my life.
A couple weeks ago, as I was exercising at my local rec center, I was listening to music on my ear pods when a song by Josh Groban, entitled “You Raise Me Up (to more than I can be),” started playing. This was one of Marilyn’s favorite artists and songs and it was the last song we played at her memorial service. I hadn’t heard it much since she died, probably intentionally because of the memories, so I didn’t know whether to fast forward or skip the song entirely. I decided that I needed and wanted to hear the song after all this time.
As I was walking along the indoor track tears came to my eyes as I recalled the times Marilyn and I would listen to this song. We both would sing along to the words and afterwards talk about what we thought the meaning of the song was. The meaning for me then, and now, was how much she raised me up to more than I could be in so many areas of my life.
Marilyn made me a better husband. We married early, at least compared to the ages at which couples marry today. We were both 23 years old, I was in graduate school and Marilyn was a teacher. I can attest to the notion that men take longer to mature, both in life and in marriage, than women (I was probably about 15emotionally). For a number of years I was selfish, making sure my own needs were met; after that I would be sure all (some?) of my wife’s needs were met. After a few years, as I saw Marilyn working so hard to make our relationship work, I finally came to the conclusion that my selfishness was unfair and not the way I wanted our marriage to be. So I did a 180 turn, not overnight but gradually, where I took on more responsibilities, both in our household and in raising our children. I realized that, contrary to the old adage about marriage being a 50:50 proposition, that sometimes, when Marilyn was not able to give her 50, I made up for it. This was especially true when she had surgeries or was sick; at these times I might have to give 90 when she could only give 10. But it was through her example in our marriage that I was able to do this willingly, without complaining. Yes, Marilyn raised me up to be a better husband.
Marilyn made me a better father. As I mentioned we were both 23 when we got married. Graduate school took up a great deal of my time, even after our daughter was born almost nine months to the day after we married (our honeymoon baby). Well, by her example as a parent, and by her loving (and sometimes not so loving) words, she let me know that there were things that I as a father was expected, and should want, to do. In particular, now that we had a baby I needed to apportion my time more evenly between school and marriage, especially since she was also working. As a result I was a much better father when our son was born three years later. Yes, Marilyn raised me up to be a better father.
The things that I learned from my wife in terms of being a better father rolled over when our grandchildren were born. It wasn’t the difficult things like disciplining or saying no, it was more about how to have fun and relax with them. A whole new life opened up before us, as I am sure it did for you who have grandkids. And once again I learned from Marilyn’s example what it meant to be a loving, supportive grandpa. As first one, then two, and eventually six, grandchildren came along. Marilyn suggested new ways for me to have fun with them, be it teaching them sports to taking them to amusement parks to just being silly or “hanging” with them. One of the best memories I have, and in fact that is still ongoing, is what we fondly call leaf jumping. When our first grandchild, who is now almost 24, was about three Marilyn suggested this activity. Basically, we would rake the leaves into piles then run down the hill, yell, and then jump. That first year our grandson (and Marilyn and I) were the only jumpers; it eventually grew to the six plus me, and I still do it with whoever is in town. This is a memory I know the kids will have as long as they live and hopefully will pass along to their kids. Yes, Marilyn raised me up to be a better grandfather/poppop.
In the end Marilyn, by her example, made me a better person. Her life was devoted to service to others. She spent a good part of her time working with mentally and/or physically challenged children and adults. While I was in graduate school in North Carolina she started a daycare center for disabled children. I had never spent any time with disabled adults or children, so didn’t know how to react when one of the children would come up to me and give me a big hug. Well, with Marilyn’s encouragement I quickly learned that, like anyone else, the disabled only wanted to be loved and cared for. And so I became good friends with a number of her students.
There are so many areas of my life in which Marilyn taught me to be a better person, primarily by her example. Over the years we worked as a couple with many wives and husbands to help them strengthen their marriages, and this in turn helped me in our marriage. Individually we helped adults who were going through difficult times in their lives. I became part of the pastoral care team at a local hospital for a while because Marilyn had done similar work for years at another hospital. . And I was able to do this because I learned so much from Marilyn about how to help and support those who were suffering.
I tell you this not to toot my own horn or to imply that our marriage was perfect, as it was not. The only reason I was a better husband and am a better father, grandfather and person is because I was blessed and fortunate enough to be married to a wonderful, caring person who taught me what being human really means.
Yes Marilyn, you raised me up to more than I can be, and more than I could have ever hoped to be.
My wish and prayer for you is that you have had someone in your life, or currently have someone in your life, who has raised you up.
Your fellow griever
John
Written by: John Dietrich
July 2024