As the call ended, my stepmom desperately repeated, “Are you going to come? Are you going to come?” I had just learned that my dad died from a cardiac event. In my utter disbelief and heartache, I began to form a list of tasks, one being getting a flight to Houston. I was going to come, and without really realizing it, I was also going to bury myself in tasks.
If you knew me well, you’d know that I love making lists and checking things off. There is a thrill in accomplishing the big and the small. I knew that my dad’s death meant there was much to do. Some tasks were going to be required, some I’d volunteer for, and others would be delegated to me whether I was up for it or not.
Call relatives and deliver the news – check
Notify my boss – check
Book a flight – check
Begin funeral planning – check
Comfort others – check
and so on…
I reveled in tasks that I was very capable and good at. I found comfort in tasks that created keepsakes from my dad’s belongings. I huffed in frustration for the tasks that depleted my energy or seemed unnecessary but were expected.
Months later, the tasks kept coming, and alongside doing, I began to fear what would happen when they ran out, when the weight of my dad’s death would truly hit, that time when I would need to fully sit with my loss.
What was going to happen when the only task left was to grieve? How would I manage in the stillness? Would I break? Would I be destroyed?
Now on the other side of the majority of the tasks, the busyness can no longer distract me. My heart has sorrow, but I’m not broken or destroyed. In the stillness, the grief feels so much bigger than I’d hoped it might be. I recognize that the task of grief is not one I can ever check off. Instead, I am finding a gentle kindness and relief in carving out the space, to remember and honor my dad, to tend to my grief, and to release myself of “doing”, giving permission to simply feel.
Tasks are an inevitably part of our grief, and my hope is that my fellow grievers will do what they can, on the timelines that feel best for them, celebrating those that can be accomplished, and giving themselves grace for those that are unbearable.
Self-compassion – check
~~~
Written by: Tiffany Wachtler
April 2026