How many “first times” must I experience? Will the “triggers” ever become just another song or just another photo or just another place?
Just days after you died came the “first time” to fold clothes as they came out of the dryer, and the grief was overwhelming. Holding in my hands things that you had worn with smiles on your face but would never again be worn by you brought sobs from the depths of my soul.
Placing the bicycle on the ground and realizing this would be the first time to go for a ride without you along. My energy drained and sadness filled my eyes with tears and I found myself questioning if this is something I really want to do any more.
Sitting alone for the first time in a movie theatre, silent sobs began as a scene on the screen portrayed an experience we had loved doing so many times. Not even a profound moment in the movie, yet I felt wrecked. Should I just leave the theatre or stay for the rest of the movie?
Returning to your favorite restaurant for lunch with a friend for the first time and my appetite was completely lost as a flood of memories filled my thoughts.
So many “first times” and each one touching me so deeply. How many more similar experiences await me as I travel this path of grief after your loss? Although I know that “first times” are only “first” once, I fear that the second or third or tenth times may be just as unsettling.
Driving in the car and hearing the beginning of a song that highlighted our first date brought both a flood of tears and a detailed recollection of the experience we shared that evening. As the song began to fade and I continued to drive, sadness lingered in my soul for many more miles. Music had become for me a source of several “triggers” as songs that we both loved would bring memories of experiences we shared and without exception tears would fall from my eyes.
I remembering wondering what other “triggers” awaited me as I endured the weeks and months after you died.
Photographs have been triggers as friends would share a favorite of theirs from their phone. When gazing at a restaurant menu and seeing a favorite item being offered or seeing a special food at the grocery store that you loved would “trigger” emotional reactions in me for a long time. Melodies, lyrics, photos, conversations about shared experiences with others, movie scenes or characters have been only a few of the emotional “triggers” that have touched me deeply, and often unexpectedly.
Fortunately, the intensity of my reactions to triggers that come up has lessened over time and they are usually very brief these days, but still bring with a tug of longing and memories even if just for a moment. I have also found that for me it is more helpful to allow the tears to fall and take a deep breath than to ignore or deny that my heart has been touched deeply in the moment – remembering you will always be an honor.
From fellow griever, Les